Saturday, May 15, 2010

We only have the small moments

When i hear women talk about being pregnant and labour being a bad thing;The pain the sickness, I have to get up and walk away. This is all that we had with Riley and I treasure every second that we had.
After our labour was induced, Dave went home with a list of things which i needed including our camera, PJ's, a blanket for Riley, Music and that is about all. It is amazing that we can include all the things that we might need in labour, lipbalm, a special selection of music, candles etc etc. But in the end all we need is our loved one. Whilst Dave was gone, Mum and Dad sat with me. I would never have considered having them with me whilst I was in labour but they were great to calm me down, talk to me about random stuff and keep reassuring me that all will be OK. It was a lovely experience to have them there with me.

When Dave got back, my parents left and labour really kicked in. As with the girls my labour was quick, such a blessing. Dave tried to put on some music but all that we had on the laptop was our exercise music. It wasn't really the time for dance music. I got him to put the music on the overhead speak from the delivery ward. It is usually classical so thought that would be nice and calming. When it as put on it was more like my Dad's music that was played on long family trips. It took me back to good memories.

The song that i remember hearing before I started pushing was Up, Up and Away in my beautiful Balloon. Through the morphine haze i sung it out loud and thought on my little boy with his beautiful balloon. Dave remembers the song that was played when Riley was born 'I heard it through the grapevine', it is funny because i had played this song throughout my pregnancy and had danced to it with the girls as it is the first song on The Big Chill songtrack which is one of my favourites at the moment.

After we had Riley it was quite, I could not be sad when i held him in my arms. He was all that i wanted him to be. All the love that I would feel for him over the many years of him being my son if he was alive, I felt it all at once.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Could you ask this of a friend

I got off the phone to David and received a text message from my good friend Emma to see how everything was going. I rang her and told her that our baby has passed away. She asked questions but don't ask me what she actually asked and if I answered her. I wailed and she sat on the other end of the phone. I was alone with a mobile phone and my dear friend on the end of the line. The Dr and Midwife walked in and out a few times but never stayed, each time Emma stayed on the phone. She has two kids at home that needed her but she managed to stay on the phone the whole time, listening, comforting and crying with me. I told her a few times I'm going now and she said no, i will stay with you until Dave gets there. The words that we spoke at this time mean nothing, there was no comfort that we could give to each; other then to know that we were there for each other and always will be. I know in the end i hung up the phone but i do not remember saying goodbye, i know she wouldn't have let me go until Dave arrived. Even though Emma was not in the room with me she gave me more comfort then any nurse, doctor or social worker could ever give.
I want to thank Emma for being a wonderful friend then and now. She rings, brings food, stalks me on the internet to see if I'm really coping and sleeping. She gives me strength...

Thank you in not enough

Friday, March 19, 2010

I don't want to know the speed limit

I rang David he was on the way and told him that our baby had no heart beat and he cried and drove so fast to be by my side. I regret having to tell him on the phone but i could not bear that burben by myself until he got there. I have spoken to him since and asked what was running through your mind. He said that he just had to get to the hospital as fast as he could and he just hoped that i was wrong and that Riley still had a chance. I can not imagine what it was like for him to drive and not be able to get to me fast enough. If it was me i would be yelling at every car in front of me to move out of the way, i would be praying that every light was green and there was a parking spot waiting for me. I would want to run if it meant that I would get there a second faster.

David's face when he walked into the room was one of hope, mine was of dispair. How we can communicate without words, his face dropped when he saw me. All i could say was I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry that we have lost, I'm so sorry that i was not a better mum, so sorry that I could not protect our son.

All David needed to say to comfort me at this time was 'I LOVE YOU'.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

One Angel Prince

I started to blog when a became pregnant with Riley and now, it is one of the few things i have to remember him by. We lost our darling little boy on 16th February 2010 at 31 weeks. I had a feeling that something was not right, that he hadn't moved much in the days leading up to his arrival so called the hospital and was told to come straight in to get checked out. I was concerned but thought that everything would be OK.

Riley didn't move much or maybe is was that i'm always so busy that i only ever noticed it at night when i went to bed. When i was pregnant with the girls; we would see feet sticking out, so clearly that you could count their toes. This never happened with Riley and I put it down to being a different baby, he never really bothered me much at all. I was much less sick with Riley then i was with the girls that is for sure. I had to carry zip lock bags with me every where with the girls and with Riley I was sick but he always allowed me enough time to get to the toilet to vomit rather then having to vomit down the front of myself whilst driving. He was such a caring little thing.

After arriving at the hospital my mum took the girls and i went to the delivery ward to get checked out. Mum really wanted to come in with me but I didn't want to have to deal with trying to keep the girls quite and still while we waited, so i sent them all on their way. I got taken to a room with another lady that was also concerned about her baby and the midwife tried to put the heart monitor on but could not find heart beat. I was not overly concerned about this as it had happened before. Due to having a long torso some dr and midwifes had to try hard to get the heart beat. It was the same with the girls. The midwife said how about we got to another room and get the ultrasound machine and get someone with more experience with the ultrasound to have a look. She then moved me to a private delivery room and the Dr came in. I should have know something was not right....

The Dr put the gel on my tummy and started the scan within seconds she said he is not moving, I said what do you mean. She said there is no movement, I'm sorry, there is no heartbeat.

My heart got ripped out in a second. I looked between Dr and midwife and asked if they were joking, it must be a joke. I repeated this over and over. This is no joke. There has to be mistake. There is no mistake. My world came crashing down around me and i was all alone.

This is all i can write today, it is enough to get this far in my story. I will write more when i have the strength. Please share this with others and let them know Stillbirth happens, it is not to be feared as there is no reason for it. I'm an mum to an angel boy and I want congratulations that I got him this far, not I'm sorry for your loss

About Me

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I'm a stay at home mum to three beautiful girls and one angel boy which inspire me to be a better person every day. My Blog is about our life and suviving the up and downs of raising a family and the love and loss that come along for the journey.