Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Sunny Days - A shout out to my friends

I was asked by the hairdresser the other day are my friends getting sick of me freaking out about Sunny. My answer was not yet... Well I hope not anyway.

There are certain friends which know who they, which take the frantic phone calls, that send me messages each Thursdays after a hospital appointment to check how it went. There are those that have been through the loss of a child themselves and let me have a vent but also are there to have a laugh often at my expense.

It is the small gestures which mean so much, new friends and old friends.

An old friend which experienced the loss of her son gave me a book titled Pregnancy After Loss, it had been given to her and she passed it onto me. Earlier this year she sent it with her husband to QLD to give to us; not knowing we were pregnant at the time or that we had experienced two miscarriages. She wrote a letter which I have read many times, it talks not only of her love for us but what struck me is her observation of how strong she see's Dave and I as a married couple. She says together we can get through another pregnancy, so when I have no faith in myself I put it in Dave so that he can ride it out until i feel strong enough again.  We didn't end up getting the book until September as her husband got heat stroke when he was in QLD. Then when I was in NSW in June we missed each other by an hour in our busy schedules. As the months passed by she kept the book and the letter and never rewrote it. The message she was writting was before she knew we were even trying for another baby but the message was written so perfectly that the time that passed didn't matter at all.

Trying to make new friends is one things but to try and make new friends when you feel like your world is spinning at a million miles an hr and the end is so far away and you are all consumed by what is going on that you forget alot. Being pregnant is one thing but this whole let me dump my life story on you is what most people would call high maintance but I have been touched by many people that still give me the time of day. I try to filter what I can so I don't seem like the nutcase crazy lady. Sometimes the verbal vomit of what is actually going on comes out and wow then I find myself in the arkward 'Did she really just tell me that' conversation stopper. Sorry if you are reading this and you have experience this. I promise I really am a normal well adjusted person. Those of you who know me don't laugh at this statement.

To the new friends thankyou for the smiles, the understand nods when you ask how are things going, and the distractions. I hope new and old friends understand that by writting this all down it helps me to get through the days and understand that the ups and downs are all part of the journey and if you are ever on the journey that I will travel it with you too.

Two friends encouraged me to blog this year, one was a challenge to blog more often so that he could keep up with that we have been doing in QLD and the other was a friendly suggestion that when I felt I could I should write about Sunny. You two will never understand how much you mean to me. Some how you both seem to know me so well and know what I need.

I understand that it is only me and David that is living this life right now, that to others they might not understand the stress that we feel. I'm very thankful to all that have supported us to get this far because without them I would have gone insane a long time ago.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Sunny Days - When is she coming Mum?

Monique is asking all the time 'Mum when is Sunny coming?', to this I say soon but when we don't know exactly. I wish we did....

I ask Monique when she thinks Sunny is coming and last week she told me the 5th of December, that works for me. Lets put the order in and make plans for that date. Today she asked the same question again and the answer this time was tomorrow, well that works for me too. Best get to some housework and finish packing my hospital bag if my fortune teller daughter is correct.
Loving Sisters

Really they do love each other!

Sunny Days - Giving in

There comes a time in your pregnancy when it is all about comfort. My whole life I have been unable to walk in thongs and therefore have had to make a decision each summer to find something other then thongs to get me through Summer.
Not this year, thongs are my friends, I have given in and bought myself two pairs and have made the decision to be a QLD thong wearer. The first couple of days were a struggle. I tripped over my new found friends a couple of times and even began to think there is no way that I'm going to master this. It has been a week now and my lovely pregnant feet are thanking me and thanking my thongs for finally giving in to the social trend and overcoming my life long issue with walking in what every Australian should be able to. Yet another thing which Sunny has enable me to achieve.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Sunny Days - 35 weeks

Usually David would discribe me as legs a platform and a head but now I'm legs a watermelon and a head. Heres pictures from 35 weeks. Loving my new Where's Wally top. I have never been so big before, Sunny is going to be one big baby by the looks of me. My father in law saw me last week and said 'Wow you actually look pregnant'.

So now that we have got past the 31 weeks when we had Riley and the 34 weeks when we had Monique the count down is on. The final arrangements are being made and Sunny althought we don't have a name for you yet we promise that we will call you something once we see your little face.

Each week I go to the Dr and she is further down, the very smart Dr last week told me 'She is coming but we just don't know when', hello how long did you go to medical school to be able to make that statement. Off to see the Prof next Thursday and hope that Sunny is still cooking along nicely and she makes her entance soon.

The lack of sleep and anxiety just excelerate my need to feel her kicking but then the mind plays tricks and I don't know what I'm feeling and I find myself mind back to the days prior to having Riley and questioning is it all going to be OK.  Is that actually movement? Why oh why in 4 pregnancies does Sunny's have to present me with an anterior placenta (placenta is at the front, so it masks the movements and kicks). Challanges make us stronger surely either that or I'm on the way to the loney bin, hope I can get a family discount!

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Magic Blue Butterfly

After we had Riley we tried to tell the girls that Riley will always be with them, I came up with a story about a Magic Blue Butterfly.
"Once apon a time their was a little girl, she had a blue butterfly when ever she was scared or sad or lonely the blue butterfly was always with her but one day she was really really scared, she really needed the blue butterfly. Even when you can't see the blue butterfly you can feel it. All you have to do is hold your hand to your heart and you can feel his wings beating in your chest.

Now you are very special to have a Blue Butterfly as only children that have an angel brother get to have one. I have one as my brother Kai died and you girls have one as your brother is also in heaven."

This story has been told so many times I can't count, the girls could tell you the story about the Magic Blue Butterfly. This story does not take away all that we tell the girls about Heaven and about our faith, it makes it easier for two little girls to understand that their brother can always be with them and give them strength, hope and happiness.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Moves in my jacket

Monique and Poppy's favourite song at the moment is Moves Like Jagger but being 6 and 4 sometimes the words of songs mean something else to them. Everytime it comes on the radio in the car they asked for it to be turned up and they sing and dance along to MOVES IN MY JACKET.
Makes me smile everytime I hear it.

Monday, November 14, 2011

My Family Pictures by Monique & Poppy

Monique's drawing of our family, she has included Riley and Sunny which is so important to me that she never forgets about Riley but more importantly is the smiles on everyones faces. And the love hearts in "I LOVE MY FAMILY!
 Picture by Poppy. If you can't tell this is the order, Daddy, Mummy, Monique, Sunny, Poppy and Riley is the little circle under Sunny because he is a baby.
Monique did her picture at Church and Poppy did her's at Preschool. No matter where these girls go they will always know all of their family and how important family is to us.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Beach Beauty

Last weekend we had our first beach day in ages. It was so nice to decide at 2pm to go to the beach and get there so quickly. Still loving being close to the beach.

I'm looking more like a beached whale these days then that tall classic super model that I see in my head, sometimes I forget this and get caught out. Last Saturday I was gliding like a beautiful swan towards to the waters edge (in actual fact it was more like a slow moving elephant), the man in front of me was looking quite intently at me and I thought 'Yeah 3 kids later and I still have it'. As I look down to check myself I realise he is not looking at me but the watermelon sized bump that is attached to my front.

Yeah you know it 4 kids later and I still have it!

Here is my real beach beauty

Monday, November 7, 2011

Sunny Days - A present from your Brother

The weeks are ticking by now and we are getting closer to holding you in our arms. I really can't believe that it is only weeks and those kicks that I find so much joy in will become the cuddles which I will cherish forever.

At the start of this pregnancy after Poppy had named you Sunny I saw this outfit in Pumpkin Patch which was just so Sunny that I knew I had to get it for you. I however could not bring myself to buy it, I would walk into the shop every few weeks and look at it and I would pick it up, sometimes I would even carry it around but I would always put it back thinking that it is too soon to buy it for you. It is too important to buy and then have to take back if something went wrong. I resolved that once I got to 32 weeks that I would be able to buy it for you.

We had brought so many clothes for Riley and so had my Mum, they were all washed and ironed and in his draws ready for him to come home but as we know he never came home, he never got to wear any of these clothes. The clothes stayed in the draws for months until we moved. When we moved I couldn't face packing them away for good or giving them away so they got put in bags and brought with us. A couple of months ago Dave and I sat together and went through them all, to work out what we were going to do with all these boys clothes which we no longer had a use for. I couldn't face giving them to family members and friends that have boys knowing that if I saw them on them it would be very difficult. We worked out which would be suitable for a girl to wear which there was very few and the rest I gave to my sister to sell. I couldn't sell them myself, I couldn't look at another women with all the hope in the world that her child would have all these nice new clothes that my son never got to wear. To give them to my sister to deal with and also to get them out of my house was the only option. 

The money that was made from selling Riley's clothes I knew had to be used for something good, something that would bring happiness.  Something for Sunny from her Brother. So last Thursday the girls and I brought Sunny her gift from her Brother, her very Sunny Pumpkin Patch dress which means so much. I cried when I brought it and had to explain to the shop assistants why this nutcase lady was crying over buying a dress. Surprisingly they were very gentle and understood as one had also experience her own loss years earlier but had never shared her experience with anyone.

Riley I hope that you approve and that you watch over your sister to bring her safely into our family. I hope that you look at your baby sister and know how much you both mean to us. I hope that you are proud of the family that you have been born into and know that you will always be a very special part of it.

David's Birthday

Once you are over 30, birthdays seem to mould into one, or maybe it is just because we are having so much fun now that the days fly by. I love birthdays and not just mine I love when anyone has a birthday, I love the food, the cake the excitement of giving presents. In our house for your birthday you get to pick your favourite dinner or go out for dinner and their is always cake.

This year Dave asked for Prawns with angel hair pasta, love that he prefers my cooking to going out to dinner. I surpised him with a homemade Pav, the first that I have ever made using Grandma's recipe.
It was delicious!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Sunny Days - 32 Weeks

We have made it this far, past the big hurdle of the time we lost Riley, past the weeks leading up to the time when we lost our little boy. Some how I made it through, a little crazy and hormonal but what is to be expected of a pregnant lady. I have known worse behaviour from pregnant women that have not had to also deal with the anxiety of knowing it can all end in a second. The feeling of it can all end in a second doesn't go away EVER. There is no safe zone, there is only glimses into the future that may include bringing Sunny Home.

We have set up her room something which I felt really strongly that we needed to get done before I got to the point when we lost Riley. In my mind I needed to have this done as we had not set up Riley's room and I regret not having this done for him. When I was pregnant with Riley I had all this clothes washed, ironed and put away for Sunny that may well be the last thing on the list of things to do. If I flip things around it might just be OK this time. I have brought her some clothes and I have them hanging in her room. I have sorted all the girls clothes into sizes and have them ready to wash. Part of me just can't shake the thought that all this is wonderful but the end image of us holding Sunny in our arms is still so far away. It is hard to imagine what she will bring to our family. What our family will be like with her as a member of it.
So what now, we have made it this far does it mean that it is all balloons and butterflies as we prepare to bring her home. Now we have to deal with the fact that she can come at any time, there is no turning back we are going to get to hold this little wonder in our arms and I have to face up to the fact that labour will come whether I like it or not. As Monique was 6 weeks early and Poppy came at 37 weeks the chances of going before 40 weeks are high. When I spoke to the Dr last week I was told that 37 weeks is a target that I should be looking at but be prepared if she is ready to come before this.

My cervix is shorten which mean she is holding in there by a fingernail which is great, she can hold in there for a few more weeks. I will stop doing jumping jacks and running marathons now and let her just hold on tight.

I'm on weekly appointments now and have been for the last month. The weekly appointments have been a great help with getting through the last month, I needed to hear from the Dr's there is a really strong heartbeat there. I could listen the sound of my babies hearts all day long and if I had a doppler I would most probably be doing just that.
I have been asked a number of time if I have a doppler and then why don't have have a doppler.

Here is the answer, I don't have a doppler as because 1. I would want to be on it all the time. 2. What would I feel if I didn't hear her heart beating or the swishing of her cord, it would take me back to the day when we lost Riley all the fear and reality mixing into one that not all babies get to be brought home. 3. I need to trust and have faith that my Dr's know what they are doing. If I don't allow them to reassure me then no one will. If I don't believe them who am I going to go to if something goes wrong. This all makes sense in my head and I know not having a doppler in the house is a better option for me. I also have the support of my wonderful GP which is 2 minutes down the rd that he is happy for me to turn up to his office at any time to have him listen to Sunny's heart beat and reassure me that I can get through this and that she is alright.
The plan for now
Get through each week, keep planning to bring her home, visualise that she will be ours to keep for eternity, visual what it will be like to make that phone call the family and friends to tell them she has arrived and she is healthy and happy and we are happy and life is wonderful. We can't plan for when she comes so it makes it hard to arrange a family member to fly up to QLD to look after the girls so we have resolved to the fact that some poor person, is going to get a random phone call from us to come and look after the girls. I joke when I say this as we have had some genuine offers of help from friends that we have made up here. Our next door
neighbours have been great and have their phones on high alert for a night time call to come over and watch the girls.
This week I might just have to go shopping or I call this Cherie Therapy (My mum loves to shop when things are tough, it works for her and it works for me). Dave keeps giving me jobs to do for his work which I know he could do himself or get his staff to do, to try and keep me busy. I think really he is just trying to keep me out of the shops and keep our bank balance in check.  Good Luck with that Honey, I love you for trying.

About Me

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I'm a stay at home mum to three beautiful girls and one angel boy which inspire me to be a better person every day. My Blog is about our life and suviving the up and downs of raising a family and the love and loss that come along for the journey.