Friday, December 7, 2012

My Dear Josephine

My dear Josephine,

My darling girl you have brought so much joy into our lives, how can you be one already. The last 12 months has seen joy and trials and all I can think is this time last year you had just been born and were in special care. I was desperate to get you home. All the nurses were fussing about making sure that I was OK but I knew that as long as I got to take you out the doors of the hospital I would be OK. You would be OK and everything in my world would be perfect for a moment in time that I will never forget.

After a few days in special care I was told that you would be allowed home, it was music to my ears. You had to be in for another 24 hrs and I counted down every second. When it came time for the nurses to do the final checks, you had lost weight and there was a discussion about keeping you in longer. The nurses could see how much I needed to have tyou with me and trusted that I would be able to look after you and all would be fine. I think I danced out of the Maternity ward.

I cradled you in my arms as I waited for Daddy to bring the car around. I couple walked past me and pointed to the new baby and I wanted to tell them how hard it was to get to the point of being able to carry you out of the hospital, instead I smiled and felt the butterflies in my stomach as my nerves took over and my emotions over flowed.

Sweet girl you have a such a special connection with your sisters and each day when we pick them up from school you light up. Although you're only one I think you might think you are just as big as Monique and Poppy. If they are having iceblocks and pizza for afternoon tea, you are doing the same (I know not the best diet but you are just so cute when you hang out with the big girls), if they are in the pool you want to be in there. They jump in from the side of the pool and you are sitting right next to them doing the same, you don't understand that you can't actually swim yet.

Josie, Bubba, Nibby, Josie Bosie, Josepheme, Josephine you are truely a Rainbow baby, I love you to the end of the earth and back around and around again. I'm excited with each new thing you do and can't wait for the future to see our family blossom with your beautiful personality.

Happy Birthday Love Mummy

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Family Holiday

Being surrounded by a large Family is awesome, I'm able to sit back and look and dream of my family being the same some day. Now I will not be having seven kids but to have a family holiday with all of David's siblings. partners, parents and all the nieces and two nephews was wonderful. I can feel the love, I can feel the connection between my girls and Suzanne's (my sister in law that lives in Tassie) girls even though they have not seen each other for three years.

Before the family holiday Monique was having issues at school not having friends to play with. There is always two sides to every story but all I was seeing and hearing was that Monique was taking herself off to the Library at lunch break to be by herself as she felt that she had no friends. This was heart breaking as a parent to know that she was alone. I had questioned if she knew how to make friends. When we were on the family holiday it was like a spark was ignited in Monique when she got together with Becky and Hannah. She had a friend that wanted to play with her, a friend that was interested in reading and playing and doing all the things that Monique loves. She was so happy.

Becky and Monique even convinced her kid less uncle and auntie that it was a good idea to have them over at their house for a sleep over. This was the first step in the plan to stay awake all night... Oh the joys of a girls sleep over. I'm glad that it wasn't me...

Our girls are pretty good travellers but when they get ants in their pants we use a few tactics. The DVD players and if they are not set up I have my camera as a backup. We were about an hour into the trip when Poppy started with her annoying ways. This I have found is sometimes because some other reason like needing to go to the toilet but being unable to communicate that at the time of being a pain. Here are some of her very artistic photos of her view from the back seat.

We have a tradition in the car, when we go through a tunnel on long trips you have to put your hands in the air and hold the tunnel up. I don't know when or how it started but people that drive past us must think we are nuts.

The back seat must be pretty boring, I got bored too

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

11 Months Old

This time last year I was only just managing to get through a 24 hour period without freaking out. I was counting down to each weekly hospital appointment and when I got there I begged the Dr to tell me how much long. Begged that they could guarantee that you would be OK.
I would lay in bed waiting for you to kick really hard. My life was ruled by how much I had felt you kick in the minutes or second before. I was not me I was some obsessed women that could not see past a few hours I needed to have everything in life planned in the hope that this time we would be able to bring a baby home and into our arms forever.
I can look back now and see how very nuts I was, I have no faith in my body. My mind and my body were separate beings, both of which I had no control over.  When I was about 16 weeks pregnant I went to a councillor at the hospital ( I was refer to her after having a panic attack on my first visit to the hospital, it was bound to happen when the midwife couldn't find the heart beat).
She told me I was really normal and I was dealing with it all very well and she didn't think I needed her help but to call her if I felt I needed it. A year on I can say I needed it, and I shouldn't have been to proud to ask for help. I was the mayor of Crazy Town...

Now my darling girl you are 11 months old, you are beautiful. You eyes sparkle and I melt. You are growing bigger now and I have realised in less then a month you are going to be 1. How did that time go so fast. I'm so thankful that i have been able to enjoy you, to cuddle you when ever you wake and to listen to you laugh when you play with your sisters.

Since my last post at 9 month you have developed so much, you now say Mumma and Dadda and Bubba, and Baba for birds. You are crawling, climbing up stairs, pulling yourself up onto furniture and just yesterday you discovered that you can clap. You favourite food is frozen blueberries. You have two sleeps a day but if you only have one then it doesn't really bother you as long as you have people around to entertain you.

Asleep in the trolley, such a hard life

Three and half weeks until you are one, time to start shopping for birthday presents....

Friday, November 2, 2012

Bears of Hope Ball 2012

In July between moving house and juggling kids I took a trip to Sydney for the Bears of Hope Ball. It is held each year and for the last three years I have had the pleasure of being on the Ball Committee. There is something to be said about giving back to a charity which has done so much for our family, they allowed us to connect with other people that had lost a child and knew the pain that we felt in the days and months after losing Riley. 
Although this year has been hard to assist as much as I would like to, I hope to never be thrown out of the Ball Committee or "Pretty Committee" as a fellow committee members husband had dubbed us all. What what a wonderful description.
All the images are from my iphone which I have found doesn't take the best pictures in a dark room.
Some of the Pretty Committee

It was great to have some friends come along for the night. It made me miss their crazy ways...'

The money that is raised each year at the Bears of Hope ball goes to funding the charity and providing new services to grieving parents and training medical staff. There are so many wonderful charities that are helping people and not enough time or money to go around for all of them. I'm proud that I'm able to give a little of my time to Bears of Hope to know that my loss of Riley may help even one other family.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

School Holiday Fun

In the September School Holidays my parents came for a visit, we tried to do things which we had not done before. The weather was pretty bleek so the beach was out, we found some fun things to do on the Gold Coast and even in Brisbane that were free. I love a free activity.

Food is always top of the list when Grandparents visit and Pancakes on the Rocks was a must. This was my breakfast, Chocolate Pancakes.
Josephine introduced herself to meat pies and BBQ sauce.

Currumbin Wildlife Park every day between 4pm - 5pm do bird feeding you just pay a donation for a plate. Monique waited so patiently for the birds to come. Poppy waited and waited and then decided that holding a snake was much more exciting. Wish I got a picture of that. Poppy is scared of bugs and spiders, she has even been known to freak out about a fly in the bath.

Monique wanted to celebrate her birthday by going to the GoMA in Brisbane, she is so cultured. Not sure where she gets that from, but I will claim that as my trait. It makes you less 'Bogan' if you go to art Galleries.

Brisbane Festival was on and the chinese lanterns were beautiful

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Footy Colours Day

The last day of school Term Three was Footy Colours Day. The girls where super excited to be able to wear their Adelaide Crows gear. I can admit I take alot of photos but this has to be one of the few times that David didn't rush off to work and asked to have a photo with his girls.

They just LOVE him so much and are so brain washed about the football. Monique was the only girl in her class that dressed up. I hope I can recreate this picture when they are teenages and they are still happy to be Daddy's girls and football mad for him.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Book Week

I remember Book Week when I was a kid, each year mum would make us all new costumes. Some of my favourites where Raggedy Ann, A Princess with a cone hat and a long veil, it was the most beautiful thing I had (I was 6), and dressing in one of my Dad’s old suits with a pillow stuffed down my pants. I’m not sure who I was going as, maybe I was going as Dad.

Last year when we had book week; I whipped out my very old sewing machine and made Monique a Fancy Nancy costume. This year I had two kids to do, the pressure to live up to standards I had been brought up with to excel in the Book Parade, how my Mum did it with five kids I don’t know. We had a brainstorming session and Poppy decided that she wanted to go as Snow White. Easy my Mum had already made that costume so I just had to grab it out of the dress up box. Monique wanted to go as a Chinese girl. Another lucky choice as my Mum had made a dress for me when I was 19, amazingly it fit Monique. Seems like my Mum is still excelling at Book Parade .

Looking at Monique in the Chinese dress, I saw for the first time how very thin I was when I was younger. How is it possible that at 19 I had the waist measurement of a 6 year old? It was a bit of a reality check for me to be able to see myself in the mirror as the women that I am and not the women and body that i hoped to get back to.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

8 Months and a bit, actually 9 months

What a slack mother I have been, no 8 month update from Josephine. I have a valid excuse I'm sure.....

Here are some pictures from the adorable Josephine at 8 & 9 months.

Over the last few months Josephine has become more steady at sitting and loves to stand holding onto my hands. She is still very much a mummy's girl and loves to cry to get attention. Sometimes she will say Bub Bub but as yet no Mumma or Dada. Since being able to sit she doesn't want to be on her tummy any more which is making learning to crawl difficult. Josephine will sit on her bottom and twist and move to get around, then roll and cry until one of us picks her up and puts her where she want to be, which is usually in my arms.

Josephine loves food, strawberries and blueberries are her favourites.

With the move of house and me travelling to Sydney for a weekend, Josephine decided that sleeping through the night was for smucks. I love my sleep so to be going back to waking 2 - 3 times a night by this little lady I was struggling. Now that the move is done and we only have a few boxes left to unpack I have cracked down and said to Josephine 'No More, this is a bad habit and it has to change'. The first night when she woke it took me 2 hrs of her crying to get her back to sleep, the next night was not so bad with 30 minutes, twice. But then on the third night all my plans hit the wall and it didn't work so well. In this time I have also had to change my medication, so on day 4 it was try a new plan. I have worked out if I keep her up until 8.30-9pm and then give her, her night time feed I get a wonderful sleep until at least 6am. So this is now the new plan and I will slowly bring this time closer to 7.30pm. By the time I do this I'm sure Josephine will find a new way to make sure she gets to stay awake longer. For now anyway I have kicked the middle of the night feeding to sleep and I feel like I won that little battle. Hooray for me!

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Moving Again

Moving Time again, this time only a short move to another house but non the less it has meant packing up and clearing out. Three years ago we made the decision to try for another baby, baby number 3. This also meant a house and a car upgrade to cater for our family. We had it all planned out.

At the time we had a duplex so we got it ready for market and sold it to upgrade and buy a bigger house in the same suburb. The plan was the house would be sold I would fall pregnant, we would be in our new house and we would live there for a long time. Where did that plan go to?

Our world changed when Baby 3, Riley passed away, we realised that we needed change that maybe the plan that we have mapped out was not the plan for us right now. Hey maybe we don't have a plan at all maybe we just have random events that make us follow paths until another opportunity arises.

Three years from the plan and we have lost a baby, moved interstate, had a rainbow baby, two kids have started school, made some great friends and now we move again to another house. Our landlord is selling the place we are in and I'm not going to sit on a ticking time bomb waiting for them to tell us they have sold and we have to get out. Not to mention the 24 hour notice you get when the real estate wants to show people through. Trying to keep the house clean and packing at the same time with three kids impossible and stressful.

Three houses in three years is such a stark contrast to my life as a kid, I lived in the same house until I got married and only swapped bedrooms twice. When I go to Mum & Dad's my girls get to sleep in my old bedroom. I hope one day we will be in one house for a very long time, a place where we can grow fruit trees and put pictures up on the walls.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Seven Months Old

Our Beautiful Girl is Seven Months old, in a couple of weeks she went from being a BABY to being a baby that could eat solids and sitting up by herself. She laughs and giggles when we tickle her. Monique and Poppy love to blow raspberries on her tummy to make her laugh.
Poppy still can't keep her hand off Josephine which at times is a challenge, I'm hoping that they will have an unbelievable bond as they grow up together and this time when I think it is such a pain that Josephine can't be left alone with the grabby love you to death Poppy will be the foundation of that very strong bond.

Josephine's eyes are so beautiful and she definitely looks like the other kids. These photos have not been edited and they really don't show how blue her eyes really are.

Sunday, July 1, 2012

June has flown by

June has been a busy month and has just flown by with a blink of a eye. Now what did we do this month.

Chrish came to visit and we got to meet the fabulous Kings ( Lisa and the boys) finally. It was so nice to meet face to face. There is something about Lisa that I have always felt a connection not just being good friends with her brother (Chrish). When I told Chish this he said it is because we are alike and are both bossy. Hey buddie you better watch it next time you come I'm going be putting a pin under your air mattress and you will slowly be sleeping on the hard hard floor.

We went on an ADVENTURE WALK. Heres pictures of Tarzan and his children.

Poppy got a Red Award, so proud of her. She was so excited to stand up in front of the whole school.
The girls had sports carnival at school. Poppy came second in her race and Monique was the first to finish last in her race but she ran the whole way and I couldn't have been more proud. Hey it is an improvement from skipping when she is meant to be running.

OH and we had my birthday which i was spoilt and spent the night doing my most favourite things, Eating pizza curled up on the couch with my hunk a spunk.

I'm sure we did more then this in June, it was a busy month I must have forgotten a few things.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Six months

Six months how you fly by. Where has my baby gone, Miss Josephine you are getting so much bigger now and I just want to stop you growing anymore. I want to be able to capture this moment in time when everything is good and happy and lovely and all together awesome.

This last month has brought a few milestones which has just sent me into a spin. Josephine has moved to her own room, still in the bassinet but in her own room all by herself. I can't stand to have her door closed, I find myself running up the stairs to just check on her one more time. The what if's take control 'What if she pulled the blanket over her face, What if she stopped breathing and I didn't know', 'What if this awesomeness of life right now gets taken away..' I know this is my defence and I try as I might to let my guard down but it is still there.

Josephine is such a lovely baby, she sleeps, she laughs, she loves her sisters so much. There is a special bond between Poppy nad Josephine. It can be so annoying at times that Poppy has to hold her or wants to carry her around but then you get the glimse of the bond. When Poppy is busy doing something else and Josephine tries to get Poppy's attention, knowing that she will do something funny to make her laugh. I have worried about the big gap between Poppy and Josephine and have wondered is it going to be to big for them to have a friendship and a close sisterly bond. Then I see them together and know that there is such a special bond between these two that the age gap doesn't matter.

Sunday, June 3, 2012

On the Road Again

On the road again just can't wait to get on the road again.

Woop Woop I have my license. The world is my oyster, I have all the freedom one could desire. Life is good. So so happy that my family can now get back on track and we can find a normal finally. It has been so long since normal lived in our house. Now I will lay out the welcome mat and usher NORMAL in.

Normal means
  • not living in grief
  • not being ruled by fear of a pregnancy ending
  • not having a sick baby
  • not having a seizure and smashing my face
  • not being restricted by 2km walking distance
  • being able to do my own shopping
  • being able to get the kids to school when it is raining and not having them saturated by the time we get there
  • David being able to do things on the weekend without me and the kids tagging along
  • being able to get my eyebrows done at a place that does a good job and only charges $10 instead of $25

Most of all getting my license back means, that I'm no longer the burden on my family that I have been for so long.

Friday, June 1, 2012

Super Powers & a Little Hope

Yet another morning of mad rush to get the girls out the door today. Last night I said I'm going to be more organised. I'll make their lunches at night, I will have library bags, homework and home readers all checked off and packed in bags. Today I will be super organised mum (imagine a flying red cape and me zooming around the house).

I almost cheered when we got out of the house early then I noticed the heavy rain; "Girls back in the house it is raining, raincoats please". Still not late, this is good I'm still on time. Now to find my umbrella and head out the door but what do I see from my front door? Miss Monique jumping in puddles in her sneakers. I yell at her "Do you have gumboots on", NO, "Are your a duck", NO "Are your feet wet" Yes. Oh well to bad lets just get to school, your feet are sure to get wet on our walk to school anyway.

Still feeling kind of pleased with myself that I'm still on time we start walking down the hill towards school. Monique is walking in front of me, then it dawns on me "Monique where is your school bag?"
Back up to the house to find Monique's bag. I love this girl and her teacher tells me how smart she is but sometimes she is a little ditsy.

Lets try again
Bags - Check
Kids - Check
Water streaming down their faces - Check

Well we finally made it to school and with my Super Mum cape on we actually made it on time.
The girls whre a little wet from our walk to school today, hopefully this will be one of the last times we have to make the treak to school in the rain. I have my Neurology appointment today and I hope that they are going to give me some good news about when I will be able to get my license back again. Now I have done my own research and the law says that I just have to be seizure free for 6 months. I haven't had a seizure since the 11th December, that is almost 6 months.  Surely they aren't going to make me wait another 10 days. Even still the end is in sight. I don't want to get my hopes up as I was so disappointed last time.

Roll around 1.45pm let see what this day holds, with my super powers today nothing will get me down (imagine arms outstreached ready to take flight)

Monday, May 28, 2012

Poppy's 5th Birthday

My Poppy is Five, five wonderful years with my free spirited child with boundless energy that I wish I had myself. Poppy's personality is one in a million, she is caring, talkative, loving, and a little crazy. She loves to dance, when she dances it is like the music is in her and she feels the rhythm with every muscle in her body. She sweeps and moves like the wind and lets the music dictate her movement, when I watch her I can't help but stop and smile at her freedom. 
Poppy and Monique both have wonderful qualities, as a parent you look a your children and say that they must get that from their mother or they must get that from their father. Much of Poppy's traits come from me, I can see myself as a 5 yr old. I can feel her struggles at school as I struggled to. I can understand the teachers telling us there is just something about Poppy, we can't put our finger on it but she is different. They joke that she is going to be on the stage. The Poppy I know will grow up to do amazing things and be an amazing friend and sister.

About Me

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I'm a stay at home mum to three beautiful girls and one angel boy which inspire me to be a better person every day. My Blog is about our life and suviving the up and downs of raising a family and the love and loss that come along for the journey.