Running away - losing Riley

Today is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Support Day, last year I was challenged by friends to write about my pregnancy loss, my journey. I thought about some things which I had not written about before, I wrote a list of titles that I wanted to write about, to document for my girls what my days where like, to give justification to how life was like and how it is now. However writing does not come easy to me and writing about these days is emotional and can take me to the moment, the emptiness, simply at times I just can not write about how hard it really was.

But today as women and men around the globe light candles for their babies that have gone to soon, I feel compelled to write of the times when the struggle to move forward and create a picture of our future seemed so far out of reach.

On the 16th February 2010 I gave birth to my only son Riley. I could say this was the darkest day but in honesty it wasn't it, even the days between holding Riley and his funeral were not the darkest, we were surrounded by people, I still felt that he was with me, there was still evidence that I had been pregnant. My milk was coming in, I had the jelly belly, I could still feel his warmth as if I still held him on my neck. At least in those days it was real...

It was three weeks later, a very kind friend offered for us to use their holiday house to run away and spend some time together as a family. These were my darkest days, I could not find happiness, I couldn't look at my family, I couldn't understand how my husband could keep going when I was falling apart.
Trying to be a good mum but drowning in grief

This is when I started writing....
From my Journal

Early March 2010
Today is our wedding anniversary 6 years today. Time has no relevance at the moment. I just feel so confused at the moment. I don't know if I feel sad or just empty. I want to talk to other people that feel this way. I think how can I be sad when I don't have much to miss. Would I be more sad if I lost one of the girls as I would have more memories to miss. I feel that I miss Riley so much as I have so few memories which I don't want to loss.

We are on holiday which should be relaxing but I keep thinking we wouldn't be here if Riley was still with us. I need to be positive and think yeah we wouldn't be on holidays if Riley was still with us and I wouldn't be able to create these memories with the girls.


Late March 2010 
So confused. I'm finding it hard to sleep at night. When I do get to sleep I wake often. Last night I had a nightmare that a bomb went off and I was only able to get to Poppy. I woke screaming before I could get to Monique. I feel helpless in protecting my family. I keep thinking I should have known that something was wrong with Riley. Was I not connected to him. Was I to busy to notice.
I'm so tired but when it come time to sleep I don't want to lay there and let my mind drift away.

Mid April 2010
Today I just want to hold you in my arms. I want to be able to trace your nose, your lips, your face. I want to feel you skin and give you my love. Today my heart is heavy, I don't know why today is any different from yesterday. I don't want to be sad. I want his to have never happened. At times my mind wonders and I find myself wanting to be alone, to be by myself, to just do nothing but stare into space. I want to have happy kids but how can I when I feel so sad.

I want to run, to run and feel the beating of my heart and the only thoughts of getting one foot in front of the other.

May 2010
I went to the Bears of Hope Support Night tonight, it was so good to be with others that know what it feels like to have all these emotions. I want to have hope for the future. I want to make plans.

These are not all my entries into my journal over that period of time but these give an indication of my confusion and feeling of helplessness. Then slowly I become Ande again before I could be lost completely, I realised that inside of me was still me. Like every other experience in my life, good bad or indifferent, having Riley will always be a part of me and our family for eternity.

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